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Hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time is an incredible feeling. With that moment comes an intense plethora of emotions. Joy. Uncertainty. Excitement. And for those of us that are struggling with anxiety and depression, experiencing life-altering circumstances, or are in a place of uncertainty, you may be experiencing another emotion, especially if this pregnancy was unexpected. FEAR. But here’s the thing, some of life’s most beautiful blessings arrive when they are least expected.
First. Last. Third.
This is my third pregnancy. Completely unplanned and at a time when we were experiencing a lot of uncertainty in our future. With this pregnancy came an overpowering mix of emotions I was not mentally prepared for. Struggling with clinical-grade anxiety and depression, I had been working fervently with my doctor and therapist to regain some emotional control and chemical balance in my brain.
Just when I thought we were finally making headway I began not feeling well. One of my recovery tactics was working out at the gym with my sister a few times a week. I was super encouraged, as I was getting stronger and gaining some of the muscle I had lost due to rapid weight loss the prior few months, my energy levels were increasing and I was slowly starting to feel a bit more like myself.
Around the beginning of February, I started to feel super off. I chalked it up to out of balance hormones and not enough sleep and tried to keep pushing onward. After a few weeks, I was still struggling with being sick and weak. My sister suggested a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. I’ll be honest, the thought crossed my mind, however, I would quickly dismiss any notion that I could possibly be pregnant. HA! My husband began making the same suggestion, so after much apprehension, I reluctantly peed on that little stick and was met with an incredibly fast and super dark double pink line. Four positive pee tests later, as well as a blood test performed by my MD that was returned with an HCG reading of 42,700, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant!
The weeks that followed where brutal. This pregnancy was by far, way worse than my first two. I had terrible morning sickness, ran a low-grade fever throughout most of my first trimester, and to top it off I was a train wreck emotionally.
The first ultrasound confirmed our due date for early October. My OB switched my anxiety medication to Bupropion to more effectively manage my anxiety, which it did just the opposite of.
Because I was experiencing so many adverse effects from the Buproprion I decided to stop taking it and thus started on a downward spiral of withdrawal. I pushed through and decided that I was going to try and forego medication for the rest of my pregnancy and work on channeling my anxiety into something positive and manage my depression without the help of pharmaceuticals until after the baby came.
I have days where my anxiety and depression is downright disabling. Every single task seems like an undertaking I am unable to tackle. I worry that my baby died when I was asleep, I worry that she will be stillborn, I worry about how I am letting my older two kids down by not being as present as I should be. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, sometimes I cry uncontrollably, sometimes I have absolutely no idea what is wrong and I wish that I could somehow just turn it all off! And somedays, I have amazing days! Those days are the best and they also take the most amount of work.
“Our Intention Creates Our Reality”
~Wayne Dyer
I work hard at following an intentional plan to set myself up for success each day. I mentally put myself in the NOW every morning when I wake up (this is honestly much harder than you would think some days!), and when that ugly old anxiety begins to rear its ugly head, I consciously have to take charge and tell the anxiety monster, NO. Not today. Today I will stay present. Today I will release my limiting and negative beliefs about myself and my future. Today my anxiety and fear will not define me or control me. TODAY I WILL CHOOSE JOY.
It has been a slow process, and some days are better than others, but following a basic system of intentional thoughts before I go to bed and in the morning has helped me manage my anxiety and depression without medication and have given me the freedom to allow myself to feel JOY and EXCITEMENT for this beautiful perfect little unexpected blessing I am creating!
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